What use or help might it be to play it small and safe?
What use or help might it be to invite soul and give spirit a break?
What use or help might it be to be a child again, just because?
What use or help might it be to be a witness to this very moment?
What use or help might it be to watch others play it big ‘n scary, and have a few laughs thereby? And, what use or help might it be to watch ourselves play it big ‘n scary, and have a few laughs thereby?
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I invite you to think of a detail about your face that you do not particularly like ~ a pimple or a wrinkle, perhaps ~ and filter out all the positive features about your face that you do like. Now how big ‘n scary do you think this apparent flaw is gonna get if you keep looking at it?
Hint: put away the magnifying glass; de-magnify the detail: “I am not my __”
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I invite you to think of a choice in black and white terms that takes this form: I gotta be __, or else I’m __; so, for example, “I gotta be perfect, or else I’m a failure.” Now how big ‘n scary do you think this choice is gonna get if you keep failing to meet the expectation of perfection?
Hint: when it comes to extremes, find middle ground and play it small ‘n safe
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I invite you to think of a conclusion you’ve drawn from a few bits of evidence or from a few incidents, conclusions like “never again” or “all __ are __” or “if it happened once, it’ll happen again.” How big ‘n scary do you think life is gonna be if you keep drawing such conclusions?
Hint: beware the use of “always” or “never;” try this: “once bitten, twice shy”
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I invite you to think of a presumption you’ve made about how others are feeling because this is how you’re feeling, like “I know what you’re feeling” or “I know how you’re reacting.” Do this instead: pay careful attention to others; they just might be feeling or reacting differently.
Hint: you don’t always know how someone is feeling, until you ask, so ask
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I invite you to think of a problem you’ve seen or heard that triggers a big ‘n scary what if ?; “what if this happens to me?” or “what if I die with my song ‘n dance still inside me?” Realize, for the fertile catastrophic imagination, there are no limits; FEAR? False Evidence Appearing Real.
Hint: take a breath, and place more trust in yourself and your ability to adapt
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I invite you to think of a response, or a lack of response, that you’ve seen or heard that you took as a reaction to you and your worth: “oh oh, what did I say or do now?” Realize, for the compulsive personalizer, every look, every sound, every move, is “a clue to my worth or value.”
Hint: it’s not always about you; stop comparing and start affirming who you are
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I invite you to think of a time when you (a) felt helpless (“I just can’t do this anymore”) or (b) felt responsible (“they need me”). You either felt stuck or exhausted. Realize, you can still make a decision in the moment, and every decision, big or small, affects the course of your life.
Hint: the locus of points equidistant from a given point is a circle; be the locus
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I invite you to think of a moment when you assumed “things would change for the better if only he/she/they could __ (get real, be truthful, be good, do what’s right, be fair).” Beware the tendency to get locked into one point of view under a heap of pain, with growing resentment.
Hint: remember the wisdom of these words: “that’s an interesting point of view”
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I invite you to think of a time when you felt the need to blame, either yourself or the other. Realize, when you play it big ‘n scary like this, you get to deny your right (and responsibility) to (a) make your needs known, to (b) say “No,” or to (c) go elsewhere to get your needs met.
Hint: make a habit of affirming the right to be response-able for all that you do
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I invite you to think of a rule you hate to see broken: “this is how it is, you tell yourself; this is how we should act.” Of course, we all know that you feel guilty when you violate said rule, and angry at those who break it. How big ‘n scary does it feel to constantly judge and find fault?
Hint: a rule carved in stone? ease up on shoulding all over yourself and others
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I invite you to think of a feeling where you unthinkingly link it up with what you think is automatically true: “if I feel stupid or boring, then I am stupid or boring” or “if I feel they’re guilty, then they must be guilty.” Realize, such big ‘n scary thoughts are (con)fused with feelings.
Hint: what you feel may not always be the case: “if I feel __ then I only feel __”
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I invite you to think of an expectation driven by this assumption: “my health (wealth, happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment) depends on the actions of others.” Realize, such a big ‘n scary assumption puts you at the mercy of others; your __ actually depends on the choices you make.
Hint: the only one you can control, or have any hope of changing, is yourself
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I invite you to think of a judgment you’ve made where you turned a quality into a global label, like “all men are insensitive” or “all women are hypergamous” or “humanity is a malignant species.” Such big ‘n scary judgments ignore contrary evidence with stereotypical worldviews.
Hint: beware of global labels; they cripple trust with presumption and prejudice
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I invite you to think of a trial run where you felt compelled to prove yourself “right” at any cost; being wrong was unthinkable and you went the extra mile to demonstrate your righteousness; it made you hard of hearing and it blinded you to the truthfulness of other points of view.
Hint: drop the schtick of “getting it right at all costs”; care more about honesty
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I invite you to think of a sacrifice you made recently, as if someone were keeping score, where it didn’t pay you a dividend, and you got all bitter about it when your heavenly reward didn’t come as expected. Such a big ‘n scary sacrifice not only denies you, it depletes you.
Hint: consider making a sacrifice with heart, and without expectation of return
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For myself, I have yet to master these invitations and hints. I know I’ll be referring to them in the weeks and months ahead, as required or desired. For now, I can give myself solace that I have such a list at all to measure my progress in dispelling these cognitive distortions.
I find that it helps to remember: I cannot always know what someone is going through; I cannot always know where someone has met their match in life. Giving others the benefit of the doubt goes a long way towards reframing my judgments and expectations as preferences.
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we are all . . . products and producers . . . of our very own
trauma ‘n drama, conflict ‘n confusion, karma ‘n dharma
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I also find it helps to view this world as a simulation, where “what I put out is what I get back ~ and in ways I least expect.” I like to think of this seemingly unpredictable world as a container of energetic rebounds within which I am a bridge to my realm; all that happens mirrors me.
If it happens, I had a hand in bringing it about, even if I can’t see it, and I get to be response-able.
A Summation for Your Consideration
In my view, playing it small ‘n safe is a choice in life, not a lifestyle. In the face of big ‘n scary conclusions, presumptions, expectations, and compulsions, consider heeding the following guidelines for turning big ‘n scary judgments (yours or others) into small ‘n safe preferences:
01) consider all discernible details of a difficult or confusing situation, be it negative or positive
02) explore the middle ground between the extremes of choice ~ not this or that, but this and that
03) be flexible in your interpretations of events or situations that cause you pain or uncertainty
04) be aware that others often think or feel differently than you about something controversial
05) stay calm when something happens that tests your resolve; trust in your capacity to change
06) view your encounters, not as clues to your worth, but as opportunities to affirm your worth
07) cultivate a sense of destiny, with you in charge, but be sure to satisfy your own needs first
08) identify and establish for yourself what is fair, and if necessary, insist on it with a light touch
09) affirm your right (and responsibility) to make your needs known, to say no, or go elsewhere
10) relax your rules about how you and others should behave; go easy when the rules get broken
11) keep some distance between your thoughts and feelings; what you feel might not even be true
12) focus energy and effort on yourself first, so that you can be available to help or serve others
13) consider all of the available evidence when you feel the urge to judge yourself or others
14) relax your need to be right; be honest with yourself to cultivate happy and caring relationships
15) make a sacrifice, but only if you truly care to do it, and only when your heart is truly in it
Best of luck to you. In the weeks and months ahead, many of us are probably gonna need it.
Reference: Integral Perspectives (with an update on the Fukushima situation in Japan)
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Addendum
“You have no idea how high I fly …”
Construct
Perceive: this is what I see; this is what I hear
Interpret: this is how I see it; this is how I hear it
Assume: this is what I know to be true about it
Expect: this is how I will use it to get what I need
De-construct
Expect: this is how I used it to get what I needed
Assume: this is what I knew to be true about it
Interpret: this is how I saw it; this is how I heard it
Perceive: this is what I saw; this is what I heard
Re-construct
Perceive: this is what I see now; this is what I hear now
Interpret: this is how I see it now; this is how I hear it now
Assume: this is what I know to be true about it now
Expect: this is how I will use it now to get what I need
“You have no idea how high I fly …”
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exercise the choice to be choiceless: keep it warm ‘n soft; play it small ‘n safe
~ yours