In My World, Eros is Welcome

by Christopher Lovejoy on September 30, 2018

if she can’t prove that it happened, did it happen? yes? no? maybe?
if he cannot recall that it happened, did it happen? yes? no? maybe?
if she says that it happened, is this enough to say that it happened?
innocent until proven guilty? or guilty because she said he is guilty?


There, I said it.

Now let me say it again: erotic.

Is this not a naughty word in these ever changing and challenging times?

Now let’s make it even more naughty.

Here it is again, spoken in a whisper of intimacy: erotic.

How are we doing so far? Are you still with me?

Or are you feeling the urge to flee?

If so, why?

What did Eros ever do to you?


Some men are strong and some women are weak.

Some women are strong and some men are weak.

Physical weakness is not the same as psychological weakness. Physical strength might be an expression of psychological strength, or vice versa. Physical and psychological strength or physical and psychological weakness might go hand in hand, but then again, they might not.

So far so good. Now hang on, we’re going for a ride …

Many women look and/or sound like men some, much, or most of the time (masculine; transgendered or transsexual male; or butch broad); many men look and/or sound like women some, much, or most of the time (feminine; transgendered or transsexual female; or soy boy). Some people look and/or sound feminine (receptive, expressive, responsive) some, much, or most of the time. Some people look and/or sound masculine (reflective, assertive, protective) some, much, or most of the time. Some people look and/or sound masculine and feminine some, much, or most of the time (gender fluid, androgynous); and some people look and/or sound neither masculine nor feminine (gender neutral). Perhaps “man” and “woman”, “boy” and “girl”, are terms of reference that are no longer applicable, in which case the terms “misogynist” and “misandrist” would no longer apply in political or academic discourse (may I then suggest the use of masculine and feminine?), in which case some people are physically and/or psychologically advantaged and some people are physically and/or psychologically challenged.

Now when I speak of Eros, to whom am I speaking?

Anyone and everyone who holds an affinity for Eros.


The following sneak peek into the world of BDSM is in no way meant to be taken as an endorsement of BDSM, nor is it meant to be perceived or construed as being judgmental in any way; it is simply my dispassionate take on the BDSM culture, one in which I have not participated, and yet one in which I have had an ongoing fascination (likely to do with the fact that I identify strongly as INFP).

In reading this preamble, please don’t make the mistake of thinking this doesn’t apply to you. It does. In fact, it applies to everyone, directly or indirectly, energetically speaking. If you’re at all curious about Eros, I invite you to take a cursory interest in the world of BDSM, beyond the suggestion that BDSM has been set up in a crafty way to absorb the fallout from a decades-long global depopulation agenda.

Eros is commonly conflated with sexual desire, but Eros, in manifesting through the erotic impulse, initially has nothing to do with conscious desire. Strictly speaking, the erotic impulse is not even sexual in nature. Eros is in a category of its own, a potential precursor to sensual and sexual interaction, arising mysteriously and deliciously through the gaze, the graze, the voice, the touch, and the caress.

I will begin with some erotic reflections on the DS dynamic in BDSM, as the binding formal (or informal) nature of DS between two (or more) people in relationship truly is central to both BD and SM.

Eros is drawn to perceptions of strength if one is passive submissive, but not if the submissive strongly prefers to be vulnerable with other submissives, in which case said submissives are active submissive, such that perceptions of strength and weakness cease to be of value.

Eros is drawn to perceptions of weakness if one is dominant, even if a dominant requires engagement with the relative vulnerabilities of other dominants, in which case said dominants are actively dominant, where perceptions of strength and weakness never cease to be of value.

Eros is drawn to alternating perceptions of strength and weakness, if one is a switch (between submissive and dominant) who is involved in being submissive and/or engaged in being dominant, especially if said switch requires vulnerability and/or invulnerability in other switches.

In short, some people, like myself, have no interest in playing with perceptions of strength and weakness, where exchanges of sexual power are concerned, whereas other people require these perceptions to remain passive in their vulnerability or active in their invulnerability.

BDSM culture arose from appeals made to the latter group of people. In their erotic, sensual, and sexual interactions, these people thrive on perceptions of strength and weakness through various power exchanges (BD, DS, SM) that stimulate desire, pleasure, pain, and passion.

B&D, or bondage and discipline, is the most structured of these sexual power exchanges. For the passive submissive, feelings of powerlessness associated with being controlled in daily life can be given a voice by being coupled with intense pleasure while being bound. For the dominant, feelings of powerlessness associated with not being in control in daily life can be given a voice with intense pleasure while binding someone up and/or keeping someone bound. A role play between bonder and bondee can be scripted to address and/or resolve feelings of unworthiness that arise in everyday life or that arise spontaneously from the active imaginations of the role players. B&D is not unlike a form of ethical bypassing, where feelings of guilt or shame, or a proneness to feeling guilty or ashamed, can be en-lightened.

D&S, or domination and submission, is a less structured sexual power exchange than B&D, although one could well imagine a combination of these two structures in any given power exchange. Unlike the diversity of role play in B&D, however, the role play of D&S is strictly confined to one form of role play that goes by many names: master/slave, master/servant, dominatrix/supplicant, among many others. Here, we would do well to mention that power exchanges in relationship can be quite diverse; they need not be construed merely as sexual, but can also include sensuous, romantic, erotic, or sensual exchanges of power, as well as physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual kinds of exchanges. All of these energies can and do find their expression within the strict confines of a D&S role play structure or practice.

A natural dynamic of domination and submission in relationship underlies all exchanges of vital power, including the sexual, wherein one party to the relationship assumes a naturally dominant posture and another assumes a naturally submissive posture. Even two active submissives in relationship require that one assumes a slightly dominant posture or position to get the energy flowing in relationship.

The difference between D&S as a deliberate practice and D&S as a natural dynamic lies in its service orientation. When D&S is engaged as a natural dynamic, the energies flow both ways: assuming D and S remain free to exchange their energies, D to S would have D receive the love and light of S on behalf of S in a service-to-other fashion, whereas S to D would have S give love and light to D in a service-to-other fashion. In setting up D&S as a deliberate practice, however, the energies continue to flow both ways, but this time, it might not always be clear if or when D and S remain free to exchange their energies, blurring the line between consensual and non-consensual. Although this blurring of boundaries might add an extra layer of stimulation, the service orientation in this relationship changes dramatically: in absorbing the love and light of S, D does so in a service-to-self fashion, causing S to depolarize into a service-to-neither orientation. Here, D&S as a deliberate practice, absent free will, devolves into a primitive form of bondage and discipline that binds both parties existentially and karmically.

S&M, or sadism and masochism, is a dynamic of inflicting pain on another or enduring pain at the hands of another for the pleasures to be had from the exchange. S&M is a type of D&S practice that might include B&D. Following S&M as a natural dynamic affords the S an opportunity to experience the pleasure of inflicting pain and affords the M an opportunity to experience the pleasure associated with enduring pain. At first, the pain inflicted or endured might be mild to moderate, before being intensified to safe limits. In a voluntary exchange, “safe words” on the part of the M are used to indicate these limits. Of course, there is a risk for the Masochist that the S&M power exchange degenerates into a brutal or cruel form of D&S without consent on the part of the Masochist, with a very real danger of the Sadist harming (or worse) the Masochist.

BDSM is very much a mixed bag, having both a light side and a dark side. Those who enjoy vanilla sex have ample opportunity to flirt with the forms of BDSM, while those who view sex strictly as a power exchange can experiment with all manner of tips, tricks, tools, and techniques.

Eros, in being spontaneous, and BDSM, in being more or less structured to get and keep the flow of sexual energy going in desired directions, seem entirely at odds with each other. How can the mysterious erotic impulse ever arise unbidden from within a deliberate power exchange?

Because DS is central to BDSM, I will start with DS, and do so from my own perspective of DS. Being male, one might think that I am naturally inclined to be dominant, at least some of the time, but I find that my consciousness is more feminine (receptive, responsive) than masculine (assertive, protective), with a central masculine core that is primarily reflective in nature, thus: receptive, reflective, responsive.

Am I attracted to holding or feeding dominant masculine postures or positions? Not at all.

Am I attracted to holding or feeding passive submissive postures or positions? Not at all.

Having said this, I can also say, with the expression of my energies, that I am best characterized as any one of the following: active submissive, submissive transmissive, or true submissive.

Does this affirmation put me in the category of gray asexual? Not at all. It just means that I prefer the company of other true submissives who can safely, easily, and appropriately convey the energetic potential of being amorous and erotic in a wide variety of situations.

Does this affirmation mean that we are pansexual and polyamorous? Not necessarily. At any given time or place, we might choose to affirm and/or abide by an asexual or gray asexual preference or orientation. The key point here is that we do what comes naturally in our interactions.

The emphasis for a true submissive in any given interaction is on the energy being presented. Regardless of sex or gender, how is the other presenting in terms of energy? Does it feel obsessive or attentive? Compulsive or transmissive? Passive submissive or active submissive?

Because I prefer the company of other true submissives, any expression of dominance with another will be gentle in nature, physically and/or psychologically. For example, assertions of dominance in a B&D scenario will be transmissive in nature relative to a submissive posture. A truly submissive partner who assumes a naturally dominant posture or position will do so gently and with loving intent, while also being open at any time to reverting back to a truly submissive posture or position.

What is the view of a true submissive on S&M? Again, the key word here is “gentle,” as in uncommonly gentle. Inflictions of physical and/or psychological pain for the purpose of stimulating pleasure or desire are more like playful admissions without intentions of hurting or harming.

A true submissive, in assuming a temporary, transmissively dominant posture or position, might be given to biting, pinching, or slapping the other gently and/or playfully. An older, more refined true submissive might have no interest whatsoever in providing such stimuli, and instead prefer gentle, subtle, playfully loving, verbally expressive or reflective forms of probing, doubting, possessing, asserting, or protecting.

Ideally, D&S, B&D, and S&M arise as natural dynamics in conscious loving relationship.

One could forego all relationship as a true submissive without having an interest or desire in asserting dominance with other true submissives, even in its most gentle and loving forms, and thereby avoid any and all gentle, subtle forms of B&D and S&M, but then what would be the point of being anyone at all? To be human is to experience the full range of human expression ~ to be sensuous, romantic, erotic, sensual, and sexual, as well as physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. To be so requires a fluid and flexible mentality and sentimentality that are by turns submissive and transmissive, attentive and assertive.

How does the love light lust of Eros feed into the primary power dynamics of BDSM?

By way of reference, allow me to revisit the description of Eros that I offered above:

Eros is commonly conflated with sexual desire, but Eros, in manifesting through the erotic impulse, initially has nothing to do with conscious desire. Strictly speaking, the erotic impulse is not even sexual in nature. Eros is in a category of its own, a potential precursor to sensual and sexual interaction, arising mysteriously and deliciously through the gaze, the graze, the voice, the touch, and the caress.

Eros is a delicate and delicious affair, offering a deeply pleasurable, desirable, spontaneously charged impetus to (a) be alert (submissively) to sensual and/or sexual possibility or opportunity and/or (b) alert someone (transmissively) to a sensual and/or sexual possibility or opportunity.

In other words, where sensuality and sexuality are desired, Eros gets the ball rolling.

Where the alerting assumes dominance, being alert assumes submission to the alert.

In light of this preamble to erotic D&S, how do B&D and S&M play out of this central dynamic on both sides? To answer this question well and good, we would do well to address and resolve Eros along a spectrum of three vital phases: anticipatory, exploratory, and participatory.

Eros, being mercurial, can arise anywhere at anytime, but not just with anyone. Rapid surefire assessments of health, fitness, vitality, and/or symmetry can make or break the erotic impulse, leaving the assessor feeling unusually warm or cold. This, unfortunately, is a fact of life.

It helps to be forgiving, but not too forgiving, lest the line is crossed into inauthenticity.

By way of example, let us make this interesting. Suppose two active submissives get on a crowded bus. For weeks, they have been friendly with each other almost on a daily basis, but today, they will be called to be something more. It doesn’t help (but then again maybe it does) that the weather is so hot and humid. They stand next to each other in an aisle full of people and share a pole to steady themselves. As the bus gets rolling, there is some considerable bounce and sway. Because the aisle on the bus is so crowded, their thighs touch and Eros is sparked. At first, they try to dismiss it nonchalantly, as if it never happened, but then it happens again. And again. There is nowhere to go and no one gets on or off for another hour. What to do? In spite of themselves, they now each realize their faces are flush with excitement. There is no turning back. With each bounce or sway of the bus, they each begin to anticipate more erotic contact and more erotic charge, leaving them speechless and breathless for more. As they turn their gaze to capture each other’s moist and glassy eyes, they come to a rather startling realization that they are both too weak to resist the power of Eros, and so they submit. Truly. Actively. They have an entire hour to engage the beauty and power of Eros, of the erotic impulse, but … being in public, they know enough to be discreet in their engagements, and so, for a while, they let the bus dictate the when and the where of touch, at least until they tacitly decide between themselves who becomes dominant. Once dominance is assumed, their erotic journey shifts from anticipatory to exploratory. The submissive one makes a subtle move of the body to indicate greater receptivity to deeper, more pleasurable contact; the dominant one positions a hand to make contact. The ensuing charge is almost too much to bear. It is all they can do to keep standing upright, to keep from alerting others nearby to what is occurring in the realm of Eros, and so the dominant one withdraws the hand for a much needed respite, but then the submissive makes another subtle move of the body to welcome yet another form of contact, this time body to body, back to front. This temptation proves to be too much for the dominant. Stepping into place proves to be quite a ride for both of them as the bus stops and starts, swings and sways, bumping and bouncing every which way. Soon, both erotic explorers take a more active role as participants in the play: why wait for the bus to make all the moves? The dominant one presses more deeply into the submissive, pinning the submissive against the pole, but does so in tandem with the sway of the bus so as to preserve the cloak of plausible deniability. The soft plaintive moan that ensues from the submissive is one of deep approval. The arching back of the submissive positions said submissive to playfully and discreetly push the dominant away, prompting the dominant to reach around to place a hand on a spot that is warm to the touch, whereupon a gentle fingertip tapping motion proceeds searchingly for the sweet spot until the submissive reacts physically with a twist of the body and a soft vocal protestation somewhere between pleasure and pain. The dominant relents, embracing the submissive transmissively like a true submissive, allowing sway and bounce to resume their dominance …

I do not wish to give the impression that people couple up and indulge themselves in this way. I am merely offering an illustration of how Eros might be allowed to arise unbidden in everyday life, if one is receptive and responsive enough to welcome it. Also, the divine spirit of Eros is very much spontaneous and mysterious in nature and origin, arising when one least expects it; one might attempt to call it forth, but truly, with all due respect, Eros will arise when it is good and ready, and not before.


With sensitivity, BDSM can be perceived and construed as natural and as mutually respectful.

D&S is a natural polarity that can be readily and willingly assumed, released, and resumed with grace and ease. In this light, both B&D and S&M on both sides of the D&S dynamic can be quite subtle and fleeting, allowing participants to go with the flow of Psyche and Eros.

No need for obsession, no need for compulsion, no need for manipulation, no need for … violence.

By knowing when and where to allow the erotic impulse a voice and a space with its own time and place, aficionados of Eros can easily and pleasurably realize and enjoy the amorous play of Eros on its own merits for its own reasons, without any romantic or sexual inclinations or intentions.

I will leave it to the imaginations of readers to decide on the appropriate when and where, at least until such time that culture and civilization have caught up to the sensible nature of what I am proposing here.

Wait, what am I proposing here?

Just how sensitive can a lover of Eros be? Just how fluid and flexible? Just how sacred and divine?

I explore and examine all of these questions, and more, in my work Educating Christos. Why does Christos need to be educated in the ways of Eros? Just look at the world around you, if you can bear to look. A very gray world, yes? Not to mention tense and wound up.

Educating Christos offers a much needed respite from the ongoing descent into gray asexuality, where natural polarities are dismissed and denied in favor of … yes, you got it … survival, safety, security, satiety, stability ~ all of the things that keep humanity cozy and comfortable.

And bland, and boring, and banal, and … well, you get the picture (at least I trust you do).

As a whole, Educating Christos is more a suggestion than a reflection, more a suggestion of what could be than it is a reflection of what is presently the case, as what is presently the case in this gray and graying world at this time is really not worthy of enlightened mention … or intention.

If you’re a lover of Eros, secret or otherwise, you simply cannot miss reading this. If nothing else, it will open you up to a whole new world of erotic promise and possibility, along with an expanded and enlightened vocabulary for meeting and greeting the beauty and power of Eros.

Don’t be shy … you know you wanna do this … or else, save the money, and buy yourself a coffee and croissant, and tap mindfully into the collective consciousness of humanity for spiritual access to the content of Educating Christos; it’s there now waiting for you to tap.


A preview of my published work can be found here.

An outline of my masterwork in progress can be found here.

A listing of my posts on this site can be found here.

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