On Being the Better Victim

by Christopher Lovejoy on July 21, 2018

What does it mean to be a victim? Might there be such a thing as being a good victim? A better than good victim? The world is full of victims, both legitimate and not so legitimate? Why is this so?

Fair warning: the following post will likely be very triggering for some; please use your discretion in reading this, if in fact you even choose to read it. Also, use your discernment, as this post is a work in progress, presenting some very broad brushstrokes on a very complex subject.

A victim is someone who … (before proceeding, I invite you to play with this sentence stem).


A victim is someone who … had no choice but to face the consequences of having put into action an intention that was either hurtful or harmful, either in this lifetime or in a previous lifetime.

A victim is someone who … feels overwhelmed by these consequences, and by way of distraction or negation, feels compelled to draw on the energies of blame or shame to compensate.

A poor victim is someone who … refuses to accept any and all consequences.

A good victim is someone who … attempts to accept some of the consequences.

A better victim is someone who …, despite feeling overwhelmed, accepts them all.

Just to be clear, no one who incarnates is innocent, save those who incarnate for the first time and save those who escape the consequences of that first incarnation with innocence preserved.

Eventually, those souls who keep incarnating do succumb to a loss of innocence, which occurs in the very moment that the innocence of nescience falls prey to the guilt or shame of ignore-ance. From ignore-ance, it is but a short psychological distance to action taken with hurtful or harmful intent.

What about those who are born without a conscience?

Consider …

A soul who incarnates without a conscience (psychopath) serves as a catalyst for those in need of karmic stimulation or compensation, while a soul who incarnates with a seared conscience (sociopath) does so to compensate for grievous wrongs committed in past incarnations.

I know how controversial this sounds, so take some time to understand what I am saying here from a cosmic point of view, where pre-birth intentions and subsequent incarnations are par for the course.

Consider, too …

Where children who are subject to severe abuse or neglect are at risk of becoming sociopathic, more or less, sociopaths who are severely abused as children are at risk of becoming sociopathic killers.

This distinction is more prescient than most anyone cares to know at present.


Everyone has been a victim of some one or some thing at some time ~ this is a fact ~ but not everyone plays the victim card daily, although I am sure you would agree that most everyone has played it.

Having said this, no one I know needs to be told that when the victim card is played, a story of violation or isolation is required to lay claim to victimhood or to maintain the status of being a victim.

The first is addressed with a redress; the second is addressed with a simple remedy: stop feeding the story with blame and shame and start taking the time to replace the feeding with the feeling.

I appreciate that this is easier said than done, especially during feeding times, and so what if attempts at violation could be gently confronted as they occur, or better yet, even before they occur?


Most everyone has a claim to victimhood, and I would venture to say that many if not most of these claims are valid, but not everyone is prone to turning these claims into an identity as a victim.

Why is this?

I made a list of the ways in which people are victimized and I was more than a little surprised by how long it was, leading me to suppose that this world is a lot tougher than most people realize.

I was also given to wonder why there aren’t more people who identify as victims, but then, in some small way at least, maybe most everyone does ~ some are just better at hiding it than others.

I am inclined to think that those who openly identify as victims do so, not because they harbor natural inclinations to be aggrieved storytellers, but because they have unresolved wounds to heal that have yet to be resolved to their satisfaction ~ and the deeper the wound(s), the stronger the need.

And here, we are likely also talking about wounds sustained from previous lifetimes.

Most everyone has a victim story to tell, but not everyone is motivated to keep the story going, either because they’ve healed their wounds or their wounds were never too deep in the first place.

All wounds are wounds of violation, which involved some form of separation, exclusion, or isolation, and it would be an easy matter to say to a relatively mature adolescent or adult: “it is always best to treat a wounding as and when it occurs,” but not so easy for those who have yet to mature.

And not so easy for those with existing wounds, who were wounded as children, as such wounds tend to be frozen in consciousness out of a sense of necessity through repression or disassociation.

And here, we are likely also talking about wounds sustained from previous lifetimes.

Many acts of violation are acts of theft (in the broadest sense of the word to include the taking of life, liberty, property, or happiness), and the means by which wounds can be inflicted are either direct or indirect, involving such aggressive tactics as seduction, deception, manipulation, and exploitation.

Other acts of violation are more social, political, and cultural in nature, reflecting a shredding of the social contract, arising out of contention, aggression, division, suppression, and oppression.

Aggression itself is a tricky and deadly beast, arising out of contention, and can be active or passive, overt or covert. Entire volumes could be profitably written about this one subject alone.

With any attempt at healing the wounding, an additional complication arises: blaming the victim. In my experience, I have found that it is not easy bearing the brunt of a complaint, especially when it doesn’t seem justified from any reasonable point of view. Here, it is apt to say the wound is well disguised.

The temptation to blame the victim is all too real, even understandable, but it is one best resisted because the facts and details behind a victimization are usually too complex to judge in one go.

With this context in mind, three approaches seem called for: (1) it is best to prevent a wounding before it has had a chance to occur; (2) barring this, it is best to treat a wounding as and when it does occur; or (3) barring this, it is best to treat a wounding that has already occurred with due care.

In light of these approaches, three questions present themselves …

One, how best to treat a wounding as and when it occurs? Two, how best to treat a past wounding with due care? And three, how best to lessen the likelihood of a wounding taking place at all?


Not all physical wounds are emotional wounds as not all physical wounds carry an emotional charge, and so the question becomes: how best to treat an emotional wounding as and when it occurs?

Someone with a robust sense of self will absorb the emotional charge around a wounding better and faster than someone with a fragile sense of self, but even without a strong sense of self, the best and most sensible strategy for sustaining a wounding is to stay open to holding and feeling the charge.

Holding and feeling the charge without feeding the charge is by no means easy, as it means taking the stance of a witness with the intention of resisting the instinctive pull to fight, flee, or freeze.

Knowing when an attempt at wounding is taking place or knowing when a wound is being poked requires a context of understanding, e.g., this poor injured man was repeatedly abused verbally at a hospital because of his lowly social status, but it was only in retrospect that he understood why.

Knowing when, where, and how to respond are also key. Responding in the here and now with grace and poise is ideal when a wounding is being attempted or when a wound is being poked, but this sort of response requires a good deal of awareness of emotional wounds and woundings in general.

Holding and feeling the charge without feeding the charge is also a strategy that can be usefully applied to those attempting to heal past wounds. Here, an effective, efficient therapist does triple duty as a firm reinforcer of self, as a gentle catalyst for healing, and as a worthy healer for wholing.

A vast literature exists to do all three, which says something about the quality of life on earth.


I now address the question of what it would take to lessen the likelihood of being wounded.

I say “lessen the likelihood” because there is always a risk, even a small one, of being wounded, given the social, political, and cultural tensions on earth that it make it easy for woundings to occur.

Energetically speaking, what can be done to reduce the risk?

First, it helps to heal and whole all wounds, as wounds tend to repeatedly attract opportunities for healing and wholing if left untreated; second, it helps to reinforce a robust sense of self ~ you know who you are, you know what you want, you know where you are going, and you know who and what you are capable of being and doing; third, it helps to establish (a) ownership of your life, and (b) an authorship for the course of your life. Allow me to elaborate on the twofold nature of this third point.

A sense of ownership for your life requires a good deal of maturity. One version of this sense of ownership says “live each moment of each day to the fullest.” The most extreme version of this ownership says “live each moment of each day as though it were your last.”

Presence and gratitude form a potent partnership, which serves as an energetic shield against indulging or being indulged in risky behavior or conduct that would attract acts of wounding.

In point of fact, presence (“bless you”) and gratitude (“thank you”) are indispensable.

A sense of authorship is more involved and requires a little more creativity. Rather than play the victim of a story that you make up in response to a wounding, and thereby attract even more woundings, you choose instead to write the script for your own wounding, one that keeps you in a favorable light.

So, for example, the poor injured man who was repeatedly abused verbally at a hospital because of a perception of lowly social status might go from “because I was repeatedly abused verbally by hospital staff for no apparent reason, I can no longer trust those who work in a hospital to take proper care” to “I understand now why I was repeatedly abused verbally by hospital staff; because I do, I no longer need to take this abuse personally ~ it was about them, not me; I can now let it go once and for all.”

Rather than play the role of victim, you choose to play the role of a conscious author, with presence and gratitude, to generate an experience of reality that remains true to who and what you are.

With ownership and authorship, one need not indulge the use of story should attempts at wounding ever occur. With the habits of ownership and authorship, one is ready to deflect the attempts.

Should any attempts find their mark, however, you will have the awareness to find healing and wholing sooner rather than later, knowing all too well that dwelling on the wounding (with a victim story around the wounding) will only serve to deepen its influence in your life as a victim wronged.

Assuming ownership and authorship makes it hard for others to treat you as a victim, which in turn makes it harder for others to use, accuse, and abuse (that is, wound) you more often than not.

Rather than tell yourself that any failure in the present is not your fault because of what happened in the past, you instead tell yourself, as owner and author of a life experience, that any perceived failure in the present is merely one more opportunity to learn and grow into a fuller expression of yourself.

Rather than tell yourself that the people, circumstances, and conditions in your life are responsible for some or all of the bad things that are happening in your life, you instead tell yourself that you yourself are responsible for reacting in ways that make it easy for you to blame some one or some thing.

Rather than tell yourself that you deserve more sympathy and attention from others every time you tell your victim story, you instead tell yourself that you are more than capable of giving yourself the love and attention you need, or better yet, of giving others the love and attention that they need.

Rather than tell yourself that it is best to avoid getting too emotionally involved with others and thereby risk their rejection, you instead tell yourself that, with the proper care, you could be just as capable as anyone else at discerning and deserving intimacy with those you deem suitable and desirable.

Rather than tell yourself that you are justified in using your past experience as an excuse not to create a life of happiness, fulfillment, and freedom for yourself here and now, you instead tell yourself that no such excuse can ever be worthy of denying yourself a fair shot at realizing the life of your dreams.

Rather than tell yourself that you are justified in repeating past programming that “you are a terrible person” or that “you will never amount to much, if anything”, you instead tell yourself that any and all such pronouncements are relics of the past that deserve decent burials sooner rather than later.

Better yet, write these pronouncements on a piece of paper and then burn them to a crisp.

Rather than tell yourself that you are one of the oppressed, fighting the forces of evil against all odds like the heroic martyr that you are, you instead tell yourself that you are done fighting oppression, are done playing the martyred victim, opting instead to give yourself a nice long vacation from both.

Rather than tell yourself that you are sacrificing your life for a good and noble cause so that you can be ultraspiritual and receive your just desserts in the afterlife, you instead tell yourself that you are now ready to take off the ultraspiritual masks and come clean with living a truly human life.

Rather than tell yourself that you are one of those unconscious victims who has no inkling of just how bitter and destructive their lives have become, you instead tell yourself that, from this moment onward, you are now ready and willing to take ownership and authorship of your life with a renewed sense of presence, promise, power, and possibility in service to living a whole and wholesome life.

No longer will you tolerate living out an empty, pathetic life of drama filled with misery, depravity, and insanity. No longer will you tolerate not having a fair and decent shot at happiness and fulfillment. As far as you are concerned, the word victimitis will no longer be in your medical vocabulary.

In these ways and more, the retelling of the story of your life can do wonders for your ability to keep woundings at bay, while also generating an ever more robust sense of self in the process.

To prosper and be carefree more often than not, you simply retell your story, expecting and accepting that you can take ownership and authorship of your desire to live a more conscious life.

This post has been filed under Application in the Ultimate Outline.

Note: my evolving outline on approaching a realization of the ultimate in personal fulfillment can be found here, accessible from the nav menu under the page “Be Here Now”.

Note: this ever growing perspective began here: Ultimate Perspective

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