The fear of losing control deserves serious attention, as every indication of misfortune or bad luck reflects a loss of control, of not being in control, of having lost control.
The fear of losing control is a subtle, pervasive, persistent fear that worms its way into obsession, compulsion, dissociation, pretension, reclusion, addiction, repression, suppression, hesitation, distraction, insulation, rejection, submission, domination, regression, and aggression.
The fear of losing control, of losing one’s mind (or more precisely, of losing one’s mindfulness, of losing one’s sense of heartfelt presence) is as real and as legitimate a fear as any fear that stops, slows, or drives the spiritual being in human form, and any well-meaning but misguided attempt to characterize all fear as False Evidence Appearing Real is a form of spiritual bypassing.
In my previous post, I suggested that we approach the fear of losing control with love and care, but the question remains: How? Being in control is not always compatible with loving and caring.
Let us suppose for now that the very best approach to handling, supervising, managing, and directing the fear of losing control is to exercise control in tandem with giving or sharing love and care.
In this light, we have two options: we exercise control to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, we do so from the heart, with love and care … or … we express love and care to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, we exercise control through the mind.
If the first option is favored by those who prefer to express masculine energy much of the time, the second is favored by those who prefer to express feminine energy much of the time.
Energy is the key word here. If the energy of being alive resides at the heart of who we are, then the energy of being alive aligns with the spirit of who we are.
Handling, supervising, managing, and directing the fear of losing control is practically synonymous with handling, supervising, managing, and directing the energies of being alive and of being alive.
Where being alive (and awake) to the eternal truth and depth of your stillness is a matter of soul, being alive (and alert) to the wisdom and fulfillment of your freedom to act is a matter of spirit.
You cannot have one (being alive and awake to soul) without the other (being alive and alert with spirit), or vice versa – without suffering the consequences – but then again, maybe we can.
Let us explore this possibility, and do so in a context of making love with joy and making peace with death. What is in the nature of a soul? What is in the nature of a spirit?
If the heart of a soul attunes itself to what is required by “letting it be”, the spirit of a soul aligns itself with what is desired by “making it so”. If the heart of a soul serves to receive and contain what is required, the spirit of a soul serves to express and convey what is desired.
If the prime intention of a soul is to receive, reflect, and respond, the prime intention of a spirit is to explore, express, and expand.
Ideally, the realization of soul goes hand in hand with the evolution of spirit, but what if the one is suppressed in favor of the other, or what if the one is favored at the expense of the other?
When two people make love with joy, a dynamic and balanced relationship is at play: even as the soul of one lovingly involves the spirit of the other, the spirit of one joyously engages the soul of the other.
But what if two souls in love find no joy? And what if two spirits in joy have no love?
Being alive to the truth and depth of another to the exclusion of being alive to the wisdom and freedom of another is, by definition, spiritually flat – a loving yet joyless encounter with another.
No evolution of spirit is possible.
Imagine two souls who cuddle their way into a state of codependence until their love is no more.
Being alive to the wisdom and freedom of another to the exclusion of being alive to the truth and depth of another is, by definition, religiously dead – a joyous yet loveless experience with another.
No realization of soul is possible.
Imagine two spirits who indulge the other into a condition of dissipation until their joy is no more.
Now suppose that both soul and spirit are present in a relationship, but that no conscious control of either is present: the dynamic between soul and spirit is randomly generated, haphazard, unbalanced.
In this less than flattering light, two souls in love find a modicum of joy in the other – sometimes, perhaps only rarely – and two spirits in joy share hints of love for the other – sometimes, perhaps only rarely.
When two individuals assume control of the quality of their souls and the vitality of their spirits, and when the realization of their souls in relationship with each other go hand in hand with the evolution of their spirits, making love with joy is a natural and normal consequence.
Let us now turn our attention to making peace with death through a consideration of soul and spirit.
Depending on where you are, making peace with the reality, possibility, inexorability, inevitability, or finality of death involves a temporary or permanent descent of spirit into the heart of the soul.
Personally, I can only speak to the experience of allowing my spirit to descend temporarily into the heart of my soul, where the prospect of my own death (the death of my earthly body) is concerned.
Normally, I do not tempt fate and invite the death of my body by doing reckless things, and if I can help it, I will do everything possible, in a spirit of bodily preservation and continuation, to prevent it or avoid it, but I also know that my time may come at any time. I might not even be able to finish writing this post (or, perish the thought, not complete my work on the ultimate realization of personal fulfillment).
By the same token, I could very well live past the age of 100 with health, fitness, and vitality mostly intact, in which case, I would have more than enough time to contemplate the truth and depth of being alive, even as I cultivate and celebrate the wisdom and freedom of being alive.
The source of making peace with my death is that I am persuaded almost to the point of being convinced that I will not die to my experience of being alive and being alive when my biological body dies.
More to the point, the heart of my soul and the spirit of my soul are persuaded that they will survive and thrive beyond bodily death.
In the meantime, the subtle, pervasive fear of losing control persists through the human experience, and the question remains: how do we approach this universal fear with love and care?
Earlier in this post, I wrote, and I quote (for ease of reference):
In this light, we have two options: we exercise control to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, we do so from the heart, with love and care … or … we express love and care to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, we exercise control through the mind.
If the first option is favored by those who prefer to express masculine energy much of the time, the second is favored by those who prefer to express feminine energy much of the time.
Energy is the key word here. The energies of being alive and being alive reside at the heart of who we are and align with the spirit of who we are, respectively.
Handling, supervising, managing, and directing the fear of losing control is practically synonymous with handling, supervising, managing, and directing the energies of being alive and of being alive.
And so, the focus shifts, from an egoic fear of losing control to a soul in love and a spirit that cares.
On the other side of this shift, we encounter this truth: if being alive is being alive to quality of encounter with a soul at peace in love, being alive is being alive to vitality of experience with a spirit that follows its bliss with care.
A brief comparative study between soul and spirit can help us to address the fundamental question posed above (that is, how do we approach the fear of losing control with love and care?):
Soul Spirit
unity harmony
peace bliss
love joy
being becoming
loving caring
intimacy ecstasy
quality vitality
encounter experience
sacred divine
promise possibility
realization evolution
truth wisdom
responsibility freedom
depth height
inward outward
descend ascend
contemplation evaluation
involvement engagement
satisfaction fulfillment
cultivation celebration
dwelling peacefully flowing blissfully
heart of soul soul of spirit
contains conveys
let it be make it so
receptive assertive
attuned to what is required aligned with what is desired
religious spiritual
awakening enlightenment
being alive being alive
As we can see, the distinction between soul and spirit need not be merely semantic. Here, we have vital, distinguishing clues for approaching and addressing the universal egoic fear of losing control.
Before we go any further, we would do well to consider this question: if losing control is losing the locus of control, where might we find the locus of control? In the heart, mind, soul, or spirit?
I explored these (and related) questions in a post that I published in December 2010 called On Being a Witness and published another post months later called A Witness to the Will in April 2011.
In the first, much of what I wrote still rings true; what it lacks, in my view, is a cosmic context.
In the second, I was reaching for the ultimate in fulfillment even before I knew I was doing so.
What I’ve come to realize for myself since writing these posts is that the Witness is the ultimate locus of control, but not the only possible or desirable locus of control in the course of living a life in this world. What I’ve learned is that the Witness and the Will must operate in tandem to shift the locus of control as required or desired, such that the Witness predominates in relation to the Will as and when the heart or soul is the locus of control and the Will predominates in relation to the Witness as and when the mind or spirit is the locus of control.
Near the beginning of this post I supplied a list of failed attempts to gain or maintain personal control:
obsession
compulsion
dissociation
pretension
reclusion
addiction
repression
suppression
hesitation
distraction
insulation
rejection
submission
domination
regression
aggression
Each and every one of these attempts implies an external object that serves as a locus of control, where the locus is external to the Witness and the Will, and to the heart, mind, soul, and spirit.
There can be no lasting sense of personal control if the locus of control remains external to the person. This is simply because an external locus of control is inherently unstable or insecure, as it’s in the very nature of things that relationships with people, places, and objects of desire undergo constant change.
For many of us, however, sustaining an internal locus of control in every situation, for every circumstance, with everyone we meet, for every path followed or manifested, is not an easy matter. Growing into emotional maturity, by resolving most if not all of the major unresolved issues of childhood and adolescence, is a luxury not many can afford.
Personally speaking, I have found that finding myself, and then finding myself again, and then again, and again, and yet again, is one of the most worthwhile challenges anyone can ever face in this world. The process of finding myself includes both realizing myself truly and deeply and wholly (as a matter of soul) and evolving wisely and freely and fully into the most fulfilled version of myself (as a matter of spirit).
From a male perspective, my personal preference at this time is to exercise control in my daily life to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, do so from the heart, with love and care. Having said this, I am also very interested in getting a feminine perspective, where love and care are expressed to the fullest extent possible, and where necessary, control is exercised through the mind.
I think it’s important to emphasize that finding yourself is not a static state of being (as in, “I am found”), but a dynamic process of discovery (of finding yourself over and over again, without limit).
In essence, this process of discovery is undertaken as follows:
- follow your true feelings, where possible (for the sake of soul)
- know to manifest what you really desire (for the sake of spirit)
Again, this is a dynamic process of discovery, where you can intend and expect to follow your true feelings and know to manifest your real desires for the remainder of your earthly life.
I am aware, however, that it’s not at all difficult to lose touch with your true feelings (or to have lost touch with them) and to lose touch with your real desires (or to have lost touch with them).
Unfortunately, a societal indoctrination to always feel good, to always keep bad feelings at bay, is at play in the lives of most people, preventing what is required to come up for emotional processing.
Ultimately, realization is a realization of feeling and evolution is an evolution of desire. Without the realization of soul and the evolution of spirit through a fluid yet balanced dynamic, no deep and lasting satisfaction and fulfillment are possible, which might explain why the subject of personal fulfillment lags so far behind personal development in terms of popularity.
Here’s a hint to help you get back in touch (or stay in touch) with your true feelings and real desires: if love both vulnerable and passionate is your gateway to genuine feeling, then care both informed and inspired is your doorway to authentic desire.
When and where, with whom and for what, do you find your true love?
When and where, for whom and with what, do you find your real care?
I suggest finding someone with whom you feel comfortable exploring these questions and/or keeping a journal of your findings by observing the quality of your encounters and the vitality of your experiences.
By noting or contemplating the quality of your encounters, you can release, express, or follow your feelings from the heart of your soul in a context of receiving, reflecting, and responding, and by gauging the vitality of your experiences, you can explore, express or expand your desires from the soul of your spirit in a context of intending, expecting, and manifesting the objects of your desire.
Internalizing the locus of control with these two processes, through the Witness and the Will, and with presence for what is required and desired, puts you back in the driver’s seat.
Aside: as an exercise, consider which of the items in the list above reflect soul and which of them project spirit (for example, where obsession is a matter of soul, compulsion is a matter of spirit), and then, tune into at least one that affects you personally, bringing as much consciousness to it as possible. So for example, if you have a tendency dwell obsessively on an object of desire, do so as consciously and lovingly as possible, or if you have a tendency to perform a task at work compulsively, become as conscious and caring of this compulsion as possible. The operating principle here is that more loving, caring awareness has a way of releasing or dissolving the object of this awareness. Doing this exercise will also offer clues to your genuine feelings and authentic desires.
In the meantime, I invite you to continue to follow my own process of discovery through this blog as I clarify and elaborate on the realization and evolution of the ultimate in personal fulfillment.
TUiPF *
a message for our times: “be true, be wise, be free; love is the key”
Context
(Setting the context)
The syntactical nature of reality, the real secret of magic,
is that the world is made of words, and if you know the words that the world is made of,
you can make of it whatever you wish ~ Terence McKenna
consider this truth: “there is no truth”: true or false? if true, then false; if false, then true
words are powerful, as and when they are spoken in the light of truth, love, and wisdom
Basis
(A cosmic perspective)
Previous study: the cosmic life review (learn more)
Current study: a cosmic perspective on birth, life, and death
View this page to explore the basic issues
Essence
The ethical imperative: guard guide your eyes, guard guide your thoughts, guard guide your steps
What the cosmic life review indicates we do in the earthly realm: (1) sanctify; (2) purify; (3) justify
Does “what does it take to be fulfilled?” = “what does it take to be sanctified, purified, justified?”?
Ideals
Proposal: our prime directive as a species is finding the balance
- finding the balance between soul (being) and spirit (becoming)
- finding the balance between being perfectly full and becoming perfectly filled
- finding the balance between living soulfully (truly, deeply) and living spiritually (wisely, freely)
Integration
(A context for living life to the fullest)
proposal to universalize human need:
need 1: “a safe place to eat and sleep”
need 2: “a way to satisfy all my needs”
need 3: “someone to love and cherish”
need 4: “a healthy, vital outlook on life”
a vital distinction to observe in daily life:
satisfaction of need v. fulfillment of desire
the body is but a vessel for soul,
serving to contain all that the soul needs;
the body is but a vehicle for spirit,
serving to convey all that the spirit desires;
how might body serve to contain and convey
both soul and spirit as vessel and vehicle?
Application
(A practice for living life to the fullest)
exploring …
the ways and means by which I can be centred in love
the ways and means by which I can follow (or manifest!) a path with heart
the ways and means by which I can be love truly and wisely
if the first pointer serves to expose the truth of who and what I am,
and if the second serves to reveal the meaning, purpose, and direction of my life,
then the third serves to realize a dynamic balance between my soul and spirit
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours ~ Wayne Dyer
Commentary
(a global perspective: why is humanity failing to fulfill its true potential?)
weaving a terrestrial narrative that aligns with a cosmic perspective, including historical, interdimensional, extraterrestrial, conspiratorial, and eschatological elements, is an exhaustive process
such a terrestrial narrative would have us explore and expose the causes and consequences of two widespread (and related) social phenomena: cynical detachment and egocentric entitlement
the story of Howard Storm: how a visit to The Other Side cured his soul and spirit of cynical detachment and egocentric entitlement, transmuting his contempt for humanity into compassion and compersion
If darkness is your problem, talking about darkness won’t help.
If darkness is your problem, nothing can be done about darkness directly.
You cannot throw it out, you cannot push it out, you cannot switch it off.
Darkness is an absence. Nothing can be done about it directly.
If you have to do anything, you have to do something with the light, not with darkness.
~ Osho (Fear: Understanding and Accepting the Insecurities of Life, p. 136)
Questions
1. “I just can’t stand it anymore … why go on?”
2. “Wrong body, wrong family, wrong planet … why?”
3. “Why am I making such a mess of my life?”
4. “What does it really take to be (become) fulfilled in this life?”
5. Soul: “a sound approach to being perfect: possible?”
6. Spirit: “a sane approach to becoming perfect: desirable?”
7. The ultimate in truth, love, and power: dare we ask?
Study Notes
- incorporate the use of symbols with these elements: sphere (soul), spiral (spirit), pyramid
- presence and pretense: best to view them as complementary, rather than as mutually exclusive?
- follow these elements of perspective: form, structure, substance, orientation, appearance
- the
devilchallenge (problem, difficulty, obstacle, inadequacy, struggle, conflict) is in the details - the privileged among us: a little too preoccupied with celebrity, technology, personality, positivity?
- extroverts and introverts: “living on the surface” and “living from the depths with presence”
- the cosmic life review: a representation of the ultimate in personal fulfillment for a life lived?
* TUiPF = The Ultimate in Personal Fulfillment
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Next: Ultimate Fulfillment 14
Note: this ever growing perspective began here: Ultimate Perspective