My Life < 9 > My Story

by Christopher Lovejoy on August 9, 2020

The words appeared inside my mind as courteous: “this way, please.”

I had just witnessed the most incredible journey ~ my life, my story, from start to finish, in all of its panoramic glory ~ and the time has now come for me to meet with a Council of Elders. My guide stands by me inside the chamber where the Elders preside. I drop into the Deep Now. From a higher vantage point, they know my life, and my story, far better than I ever could.

What they didn’t know ~ indeed, what I didn’t know ~ was how I would respond to their comments and queries about it ~ comments and queries that sought answers to what I thought would be the main question: how far have you evolved towards absolution in the face of God? Not: so, have you finally reached, in no uncertain terms, the pinnacle of absolution in the face of God?

In the face of my panoramic Life Review, in the midst of my panoramic Life Review, I suffered the pangs of my own conscience, even as I tasted the fruits of my own wisdom. I could see and feel that this life I lived was mostly a challenge from start to finish, punctuated by generous respites from the most intense catalysts to give me time and space to process and forgive them.

On Earth, I learned a simple yet profound lesson, expressible in 8 words, as I plumbed the scary, submissive depths of compassionate wisdom with genuine humility: to be forgiving is to be for giving. The key, I found, is to give without any expectation of immediate return, and to keep on giving, and receiving, while knowing that the blessings of receiving could be quite subtle.

The heart that keeps on giving, come what may, is the heart that keeps on loving, come what may. A warm, kind, soft, gentle heart is a giving heart that is forever for giving by its nature; it concerns itself neither with events from the past nor with emotions that sour the flavor of life. A compassionate heart need not let go of that which was not an attachment in the first place.

as above, so below; as within, so without; as the universe, so the soul

~ hermes trismegistus

I knew that my heart had always been naturally loving, trusting, caring, and for giving. I also knew that any heartfelt discussion with the Elders would revolve around three questions: (1) how deeply were you taken by the illusion?; (2) how well did you extricate yourself from indulgences? and (3) how far have you evolved towards becoming goodly and godly in service to others?

In this most recent incarnation, and for the longest time, I was stymied by the insidious nature of malignant persecution. It wasn’t until I put a name to it and figured out how to deal with it decisively and effectively that the course of my life, and my story, took a turn for the better.

I had to wonder: was this the test for the life of my story and for the story of my life? If so, would the Elders see fit to give me a passing grade? Ultimately, it wouldn’t matter if I failed this particular test. If I did, I would get another chance, and choice, to prove my mettle elsewhere.

In another time and place, on another world, in another incarnation.

anything and everything can be framed
and reframed
in accordance with the guidance of love, trust, care

~ a daily affirmation worthy of contemplation

I face a panel of seven Elders in a hallowed space; all I can see now are silhouettes. I feel a Presence from above, as well as a collective presence from the Elders themselves: mostly loving, but with a subtle sense of expectancy. I myself dwell in my own presence, inside the Deep Now.

My passing had been uneventful, but the relief I felt in passing was palpable. Like a beacon, my Self beckoned. As my Self enveloped me ~ as I surrendered my earthly memories ~ I knew I was on my way home. More than this, I knew in no uncertain terms that I was no longer me.

That is to say, I was no longer just me; I had become us, as One.

My meeting with the Elders begins with a pause, one that seems to expand into eternity, and beyond, and back again into timeliness. I feel no intention around this ~ merely a clear, natural feeling that this pause, which feels like a stretch, is wholly appropriate for the occasion.

Regardless, I know enough to wait it out.

And then the words begin streaming at a steady pace, words that I recognize as my own, words that I had composed and published in my most recent incarnation, words that speak of innocence, and of a return to innocence, in the context of learning, growing, evolving, ascending.

Indeed, the first sentence of the preamble captures the essence of what it takes to refresh this innocence, even as the preamble itself sought to capture, in cosmic terms, the essence of the challenge that faced the people of Earth before my departure from that tricky, sticky world.

Explore, Express, Expand, Extend

Be at peace, allow for grace; Be as bliss, do as bliss does.

Varied landscapes with freshwater springs, lush trees that grow large and small, and bodies of clean fresh water under clear blue skies: the Organic Creation is the natural choice of those who seek delight in the presence of others with peace, love, joy, bliss, grace, and ease.

The Organic Creation in its most pristine condition is also a most capable treasure by which to gauge the quality and vitality of the Synthetic Illusion that arises from the discordant energies of separation, division, and exclusion between and among those who generate them.

With the ongoing meltdown of the illusion back into the creation that is fast becoming all the more apparent with those with eyes to see and ears to hear, a question keeps coming up for me that is simple to ask, yet not so easy for me to answer: what really and truly matters now?

What really and truly matters, as the 3D illusion gives way to the 4D creation? Certainly, the illusion is destined for dissolution, but is there any chance that it might redeem itself in the eyes of creation? Is there any chance at all that I might redeem myself in the eyes of creation?

What I did not realize at the time was that I could be both an agent of dissolution and an agent of redemption and resolution. All I had to do was become a more-or-less permanent resident of the Deep Now, with a clear view towards approaching a realization of the ultimate quest.

I cannot presume to change you, or anyone else for that matter, to have you be the way I wish you to be. Really and truly, I can only suggest, I can only invite, I can only offer, by way of experience, by way of example. I also trust that you know that you cannot change anyone either.

At least not directly.

From within the depths of illusion, what could I possibly suggest? What invitation could I possibly make? Which compelling offer? Life on Earth, as human and divine, is very much a personal affair. Joseph Campbell, in cutting through the illusion to the Creation itself, said as much:

What is the ultimate quest?

The fulfillment of that which is potential within each of us. The quest itself is not an ego trip, but an adventure that fulfills your gift to the world, which is yourself. There’s simply nothing you can do that’s more important than becoming fulfilled. You become a sign, a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way, you find, live, and become a realization of your own personal myth

(edited slightly by yours truly)

We find, we live, we become realizations of our own personal myths by living the stories of our lives and by giving life to our stories. The questions that I subsequently entertained in my writing drew me ever closer to understanding the meaning and making of my own personal myth.

While being ever mindful and careful not to con-fuse myth with falsehood . . .

For me, two questions are begged: what is a myth?

And . . . how is the impersonal myth made personal?

Let me ask you this: if you are now in the midst of living out your personal myth, would you know it to be real? Would you know it to be true? Would you know it to be good? Would you know it to be right? Would you know it to be pure, truly and purely yours, and yours alone?

In this hallowed space, I feel as if my Self is asking my self these questions now.

I’ll be the first to admit: these are not easy questions to answer. Why? Because a myth is a story, and every such story has two fundamental, intertwining lines ~ inquiry and discovery ~ running through them all: a line informed by separation and a line inspired by integration.

Separation. Integration.

Separation. Integration.

Separation. Integration.

Can I feel into the division? Can I see through the opposition?

Separation. Integration.

With so many intersecting lives and stories in the world, and with as many stories as there were souls, could I now see how the Organic Creation might give way to the Synthetic Illusion? And could I now see how the Synthetic Illusion might dissolve back into the Organic Creation?

Could I now see how the illusion of separation serves, by way of contrast, to stimulate and facilitate the creation of integration? And could I now see how the creation of integration serves, by way of contrast, to initiate, activate, generate, and perpetuate the illusion of separation?

It is what it is; this is the world to which we, human and divine, are subject(s).

The moment we subject ourselves, wittingly or unwittingly, to any of the archetypes ~ innocent, orphan, martyr, magician, warrior, wanderer, among others ~ is the moment we subject ourselves to the myth.

I wonder: which myth would best characterize the story of my life?

What story am I telling myself? What story am I writing? What story am I living? What story am I loving? And, dare I ask, what story am I now fearing and hating, which, incidentally, or perhaps not so incidentally, are the dark flipsides of loving and trusting, caring and for giving?

Sound and stable, satisfied and fulfilled, relevant and significant, I hereby allow myself to have all that I require and desire to live and love the personal myth that I was fated and destined to live and love from the heart of my soul with an attitude of gratitude in a spirit of generosity.

A realization dawns: I am neither fated nor destined; I am free to be carefree.

If I feel moved to live and love and learn most fundamentally through the archetype of the wanderer as an innocent, would it make any sense to live through the archetype of the warrior or the magician? How might I characterize myself? Innocent wanderer? Wandering innocent?

Perhaps a unity and harmony of archetypes is possible by way of innocent, wanderer, and lover. Could I be an innocent, wandering lover? A wandering, loving innocent? How about a loving, innocent wanderer?

The interplay of life and story is also worthy of consideration: in telling or writing my story as a wandering innocent lover, might I also not live the life of a wandering innocent lover? And in living the life of a wandering innocent lover, might I also not inform and inspire my story?

The global zeitgeist, however, is so deeply saturated with the energy of the archetypal hero that any personal myth would do well to take this into account. As a loving, innocent wanderer, how do I relate to the archetypal hero who forever seeks to claim the precious treasure at the end of the journey, even as the prospect of yet another metaphoric wasteland beckons or awaits?

We already know that the heroic journey is circular in its structure, and in this circle lies a gap, a gap that indicates a period of rest, relaxation, and recovery. Key: to rest, relax, and then re-cover is to put the heroic mask back on in preparation for embarking on yet another journey.

The beauty, wonder, and splendor of the lover, the innocent, and the wanderer is that s/he can move into the gap and fill it, even as s/he knows without a doubt that this archetypal gap in the circle also offers yet another way out for those who have come to the ends of their journeys.

But do those under the sway of the hero have a choice about taking this way out?

I would say yes but I would also say no; it very much depends on where they are.

No, if they do not or cannot bless the journey, and no, if they are not ready, willing, and able to digest outstanding karma. Yes, if they are ready and willing to face the existential wasteland in a new way, and yes, if they are willing and able to refresh their relationship with innocence.

Is this a tall order?


Can I say for sure whether this is possible for any of us at this time?


Is a return to innocence nevertheless worth the time and trouble?

Here, we can only speak for ourselves.

Speaking for myself, I knew I was ready to explore the possibility.

It is most appropriate for the gap to be at the bottom of the circle.

It is also appropriate that we get over any fear of falling, figuratively speaking. Why? Because a return to innocence requires taking a fall from and through the heroic journey itself, and not just any fall ~ not even a heroic one. Is this a fall from grace? No, it’s not that kind of fall.

As and when we take the fall, we take a leap of faith by taking a fall through faith.

Why is this fall a fall through faith? Well, for one thing, in taking a fall through the gap into the void beyond the wheel of samsara, there are no destinations like there are on a journey. Remember, we’re making an exit from the journey, even as we bless the validity of the journey.

The story of my life that is a return to innocence is mine and mine alone; there are no markers, no guidelines, no milestones, like there are on the heroic journey. A return to innocence is purposeless, and no, innocence is not the point or the purpose, as there is no end to innocence.

Trust is key, and here, I speak of a profound trust in the eternal now, the Deep Now.

Ultimately, the fall through faith is a fall through illusion into the Creation and the particulars of the Creation arise and appear spontaneously, timelessly, and effortlessly, in one glorious, eternal, perpetual moment of foreverness. The end of the journey is the end of purpose itself.

On a hero’s journey, a precious treasure is waiting to be claimed after the return.

For those caring to fall through the gap, the treasure is what awaits after the fall.

Furthermore, if innocence could speak, it would offer up its truth as follows . . .

A pure innocence, however, is not possible to those intent on a return to innocence as a return to innocence implies a loss of innocence. A fall in faith taken through the gap into the void beyond the journey into the Deep Now has already addressed and resolved any outstanding karma.

What is karma?

Karma is so much more than mere cause and effect. If only it were that simple. In personal terms, the Law of Karma ~ “what I put out is what I get back” ~ sooner or later (sooner on an accelerated path of growth) involves and engages us on many levels with many elements of story.

Soul. Reason. Conscience. Vice. Virtue. Choice. Intent. Cause. Effect. Karma.

In a moment of hate and spite, the equivalent of a boomerang is thrown. What we do to others, we inevitably do to ourselves; what we do for ourselves, we do for others. Sooner or later, we reap what we sow: the punishments or rewards reaped either sicken or sweeten the soul.

We all reap what we sow ~ no exceptions ~ and so, if we are at all wise about living from the heart of soul according to reason and conscience, then we will absolutely do unto others as we would have them do unto us, for if the wages of vice is death, then the wages of virtue is life.

And here, I am not talking only of death in the material, but death in the spiritual.

If my attention is hooked in any way, shape, or form by The Wasteland on the other side of the gap in the circle, this is my first clue that I have outstanding karma. The Wasteland is a potent metaphor, appearing in many guises: emotional, spiritual, occupational, environmental.

We would all do well to remember that karma is collective in its scope as well as subjective, and so, we would all do well to ask ourselves: is my subjectivity getting lost inside the collectivity? More to the point, is my subjective reactivity getting lost inside the collective reactivity?

And if it is, how is this working out for me? Am I healthy? Am I happy? Am I hearty?

We should all know this by now: it is inside The Wasteland that the call is heard. Do we heed the call and move forward as reluctant heroes? Or . . . do we find it within ourselves to immerse ourselves in the shadowlands so as to accept and forgive, and thereby find a return to innocence?

Do I now feel ready to face The Wasteland in a new way? Do I now feel willing to refresh my relationship with innocence? Do I now feel able to bless the journey for what it is and what it continues to be for others? Am I now ready, willing, and able to digest any outstanding karma?

If nothing else, a return to innocence offers a beacon for restoration and redemption.

I knew that this was less about feeling better than it was about getting better at feeling.

But there were certain matters I would need to address first before going into free fall.

The appearance of pure innocence is still possible in this world, serving as it does as a timeless reminder of what is possible for those who would return to a state of innocence. In a return to innocence, it is wise to recall: a pure innocence can only ever be a memory or an impression.

Paradoxical as this might sound, innocence is neither the aim nor the point of the return.

Think of it this way: a return to innocence is not unlike a return to a state of consciousness that radiates light while emitting the fragrance of a flower in full bloom at a time in a place where such a fragrance can be appreciated, or at least acknowledged, by anyone in its vicinity.

The process of the return itself is organic in nature, subject to horticultural time; the light and the fragrance remain ever elusive. Ultimately, a return to innocence is a return to the Garden of Eden with a deeper respect for the tree that contains the knowledge of good and evil.

The Wasteland in its many guises on the other side of the gap on the wheel of samsara serves a purpose for those who would intend a return to innocence, the usefulness of which can be captured in a single question: am I taking the bait and getting hooked by The Wasteland?

If I am, this is my first clue that I have outstanding karma.

It is here that my erstwhile and remembered words draw to a close.

My Encounter with Ascension

I stand before the Elders in wonder, and my focus goes to the one in the middle, even as I address them all as a social memory complex. Any differential in power becomes evident to the degree to which I cannot hold my own inside the energy of this social memory complex.

Such a finely tuned group of telepathic souls makes it so.

Aside: a social memory complex is a Law of One concept that describes a group of telepathic souls whose access to subjective experiences invariably and inevitably generates a cohesive compounding of social memories that serve to inform and inspire the group as a whole

The Elders as a whole are beyond patient for the simple reason that they vibrate, subjectively and collectively, at a very high frequency, at the speed of peace, love, joy, bliss, grace, and ease, and so I begin: At first, inside a matrix not my own, the illusion held me in its grip.

Aside: the matrix to which I refer is the dense 5-sense 3D reality into which all infants are born

No discernible response is forthcoming and so I take this pause as my cue to continue: I was born into a time of spiritual impoverishment, in a place where even nascent spirituality was inaccessible, and so, for many years, I had no conscious memory of who I was before I was born.

It wasn’t until mid-adolescence, with my reading of Spinoza, that I had my first glimpse into notions at variance with religious dogma, and it wasn’t until late adolescence, with my reading of Carl Rogers, that I had my first glimpse into the notion of Being beyond having and doing.

Near the turn of the millennium, and into the early 2000s, some 5 or 6 years after the “Information Superhighway” came online, a growing body of spiritual knowledge and wisdom appeared to me, but it wasn’t until 2002, at the age of 40, that I began my quest for spiritual wisdom.

Through the 2000s, into the 2010s, and to this day, circa 2020, I read extensively on dozens of topics, many of which I placed in a graphic that I call the Cosmic Apple, with 3 topics emerging as the most intriguing for me by far: (1) reality creation, (2) ego syntonic flow, and (3) ascended mastery. As I blogged weekly on personal fulfillment from 2010 to 2020, I captured these topics under one heading: ultimate fulfillment.

Aside: ego syntonic is a psychoanalytic concept that describes a personal complex of values, feelings, and behaviors that remains in harmony with, and acceptable to, the needs, desires, goals, and interests of an ego acting and striving in accordance with an ideal image of itself

I came to know the laws of creation ~ especially the one that states “what you put out is what you get back” ~ and I learned the principles of Huna ~ most especially these: “the world is what you think it is”; “energy flows where attention goes”; and “all power comes from within.”

I read the Law of One series in its entirety and spent many hours reading and writing about The Choice between service to self and service to other. In light of the Huna principles, I explored the miracle of ho’oponopono with the realization that “intention precedes inspiration.”

I pause, and one of the Elders poses a question: are you in a hurry to ascend?

I have to smile in spite of myself because I could feel this question go straight into my heart. This potent question brought everything into focus for me here and now: everything is here and now, and so, if (a) I am already ascending, and (b) I have already ascended, what was the hurry? What was the rush? I could not not learn and grow, explore and express, evolve and ascend.

Inside the Deep Now, in word or deed, I relax, release, restore, refresh, here and now, moment to moment, giving and receiving as required or desired, as and when I feel informed or inspired. A capacity to frame and reframe delay or difficulty as apparent could be tapped at will.

anything and everything can be framed
and reframed
in accordance with the guidance of love, trust, care

Alongside knowing how and when to avert or avoid distress, the patience to frame delay or difficulty as apparent could be cultivated in time. In a 5-sense 3D matrix, souls also had ample opportunity to cultivate prudence and patience to frame delay or difficulty without negativity.

Such a matrix could test both prudence and patience to face hardship as (1) tolerance in the face of provocation; (2) resistance in the face of temptation; (3) forbearance in the face of obligation; or (4) perseverance in the face of delay or difficulty perceived as intractable.

With enough time, these forms of endurance could be framed summarily as welcome opportunities to learn and grow, evolve and ascend, and, paradoxically, as no longer forms of endurance, so that patience became more than endurance of delay or difficulty without negativity.

As a contemplative, as a lover of life, and as a lover of love itself who also happens to wander innocently, I learn to love fate to death without ever feeling destined to be anyone or do anything. With ample time to observe and reflect, I feel, truly and deeply; I notice the subtleties of life, even as I explore, express, expand, and extend a myriad of possibilities in service to the Creation.

Malignant Persecution: A Special Case?

I know that my sojourn as a lover who wonders and wanders innocently will be complete when I no longer feel any negative emotional charge. That is to say, I would no longer feel provoked, tempted, or obligated, but most especially, I would no longer feel persecuted in any way.

I wondered if my prudence and my patience could only be as robust as my tolerance of apparent provocation, or as robust as my resistance to apparent temptation, or as robust as my forbearance in the face of apparent obligation, but what could be said of malignant persecution?

Did the bane of malignant persecution present a special case?

What burns like garbage at the heart of malignant persecution?

Could I even care enough to know and to know enough to care?

In the heat of the moment, I could observe and respond to misery, depravity, or insanity with a modicum of equanimity, but when it was aimed straight at my heart, I could not yet respond to human malignancy with any equanimity. Why was this? Did I lack the understanding?

I have an inkling to begin with a definition of persecute:

persecute, v.: cause to suffer; synonymous with oppress

Persecute is typically used in a religious, ideological, or political context, and applied to groups, but I saw that it could also be personal, and applied to those who are perceived to have little to no authority and power. The same could said of the terms oppress and oppression.

To oppress is to dominate or subjugate through a partial or malicious use, exercise, or practice of authority and power; to oppress is to abuse, aggrieve, coerce, enslave, exploit, harass, subdue, subject, suppress, torment; to treat harshly; to put down, to hold down, to keep down.

Oppression is the partial or malicious use, exercise, or practice of authority and power, often under the guise of governmental authority or cultural opprobrium. The oppression might be overt or covert, subtle or obvious, depending on how it is used, exercised, or practiced.

opprobrium, n.: (1) harsh criticism or censure, e.g., her books and speeches and the opprobrium they generated; (2) a state of disgrace from public abuse due to shameful conduct, e.g., the opprobrium of being closely associated with . . . (take your pick)

From one point of view, the rise of oppression is a reaction to extreme need (real or perceived), to an extreme neediness, or to an extreme and persistent condition of lack and limitation (real or perceived). From yet another, the rise and fall of oppression is an abreaction of same.

One could speak reasonably of an addiction to power that comes with the exercise of authority. When, for whatever reason, such authority rests on shaky ground, successful attempts to restore it, or shore it up, by way of oppression, at least for a time, merely feeds the addiction.

Curiously, the monster that is an addiction to power could either be benignant or malignant ~ a tyranny of positivity or a tyranny of negativity. I saw that the first could be as subtle and gentle as a flower in a breeze and that the second could be as cool and calculating as a poker player.

In view of this brief analysis of malignant persecution, I could now see where I was stuck: what seemed to burn me more than anything was the injustice of some one or some group, including me, being subject to public abuse due to conduct that had nothing to do with them, or me.

In view of this admission, I had only one remaining question, at least for now.

In a return to innocence with intelligence and sensitivity in service to my ultimate intention in view of my happiness and fulfillment, could I not then view and treat the bane of oppression sanely and soundly as a fundamental negotiation in favor of integration beyond separation?


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